go see a therapist girl!

i am a person with A LOT wrong with me! i'm very open about this fact. i have a laundry list of shit wrong in my head, and i take some kind of pride in the fact that i'm alive. i don't want to go into massive details about my trauma (that's for other pages), but i will say this: i did not expect to live past sixteen.
originally i was going to die at fourteen, and then fifteen, and then sixteen, and it just never happened. i did not expect to live to write this, even! what kept me alive was my anxiety, funnily enough. i hated the idea of dying painfully, or of not dying at all, or of being found before i could die, and so i never tried. i know the painless methods and how difficult they are to achieve. there is no peaceful pill.
life is not easy for most people. i believe that 90% of humanity - maybe even closer to 100% - would benefit from therapy, that everyone has something troubling them, and that everyone deserves help. some of my opinions border on radical acceptance - paraphiles, abusers, and everyone who is left out of the talk of recovery deserves to be helped. it sounds ridiculous, right? but i believe abusive people can become good people too - no one is obligated to forgive them for what they did, but they deserve help too. i can't fix anyone, but they should have a chance to fix themselves.
i've been the victim and i've been the perpetrator. i have had unhealthy friendships and relationships, and i am still unhealthy. i still lash out or spiral or have paranoid episodes. i think the point i'm trying to make is that... it's okay. it's okay to not be okay! you can't be your best every single day of your life. what matters is that you take responsibility and improve your behavior!
i don't know man, i have some of those really weird stigmatized mental health conditions. it's kinda hard to be positive when there's a subreddit dedicated to dehumanizing people like you. but i stay silly :3

borderline personality disorder

well, originally this was about parts therapy. when i wrote it, i was very adamant in not being plural, because i didn't match the "standard" for plurality (which in my head was DID/OSDD.) however, i've come to accept that i am plural in some way, being the host of a median system/collective. maybe some day i'll make a page for all my headmates so everyone can introduce themselves!
if you're wondering what a "median system" is, it's a form of plurality that falls between singlet and multiple. some medians have very similar headmates, and some have more distinct headmates; identities may be blurry, and total levels of separation are generally lower. most of my headmates are very similar to me at different times in my life, and i'm the only one who can fully front and control the body. i'll compile a bunch of specific terms off pluralpedia later...
median

RATING MEDICINES I HAVE BEEN ON

ZOLOFT/SERTRALINE: 10/10. it doesn't work. why do i take it? because it works. if i take it without food i'll be incredibly sick. the withdrawals are the worst thing i will ever experience and i had a collapsed sinus once. perfect medicine. they gave it to me when i got baker acted and i never went off it. currently am being forced to stop taking it and switch to wellbutrin (lol) and i feel like shit (lol)
STRATTERA/ATOMOXETINE: 8/10. works just fine. i can focus and do the things i need to do now. not a stimulant so it doesn't require millions of blood tests AND i can get stoned while on it. the capsules are a cute shade of blue. downsides: i cannot take a shit and i have to drink my weight in water or i feel like i'm dying. i can't drink monster anymore without getting jittery, which sucks because i used to self-medicate with it and genuinely like most flavors.
LAMICTAL/LAMOTRIGINE 3/10. why was i on this. my mood swings aren't hormonal or chemical related. i have borderline personality disorder. this doesn't work but it doesn't not work. the 100mg tablets are triangle shaped and i like triangles, which is why it gets 3 points. can cause a death rash if you're sensitive to it which scared me. did not develop the death rash though.
METHYLPREDNISOLONE: -10/10. this is not a psychiatric medication but it needs a special mention for being disgusting. actually the most vile thing i have tasted. it tastes like death in a tablet form and i had to take it multiple times a day.
SAMe: 5/10. this worked for a solid year until my depression got worse and i needed actual SSRIs and not OTC supplements.
BENADRYL/DIPHENHYDRAMINE: benadryl/10 i almost got addicted to this once because it knocked me out at low doses and i forced myself to sleep through my issues! i was kind of fucked up in 2019! what a time to be alive!
WELLBUTRIN/BUPROPION: 0/10. atrocious. i was on it for a week or so and it gave me some of the worst suicidal angry outbursts i have ever had in my life. genuinely the worst psych med i've taken so far.